So, being that am absolutely hoplessly flawed, for some reason today I am gripped with fear and the only thing I know to do is pen my thoughts and hope that it is somehow cathartic. As my girls grow I am realizing that there is a bubble bursting point. I think I am reaching that milestone and it is hard for me. What is that bubble? It is this; when our children are young we as parents are their world, they look to us for all advice, councel and guidance. Then there is a point that each of us reach when we realize that our parents are human and imperfect.
I have enjoyed the bubble for a good long while but now I see that my older daughters are beginning to see little glimpses of my frailty and I ache for my inability to fix myself. I feel no need for perfection, I could care less if my house is messy or dinner didn't get made or I didn't shower, that is not what I am saying. There are just parts of my character that are flawed and there is nothing more jarring than seeing that I am not hiding them anymore. It is one thing for my husband to know my weaknesses and love me anyway but for me it is altogether different to know that my children know. I know it is good for them to realise that we don't need to be perfect but the mirror that my children are to me is bringing it all to the surface.
I see myself more clearly through them and my weaknesses seem to be more painful to me when reflected in their eyes.
The funny thing is that they know my failings because I have taught them differently. We gather together every morning for scripture study and I teach them the truths of the gospel. We have weekly family home evening where we talk of all things eternal and important. I teach them to be kind and good, honest and non judgemental so when my judgment of another slips through the cracks, they now call me on it. When they see me waste my time, they look at me confused. When they see me loose my temper, I feel sad and ashamed. I really like the Wonder Woman status that I still hold in my younger girls eyes....it is so comfortable. This is such a silly post I know. In fact I think I will turn off comments because this is similar to one of those times when you talk to your husband about something and you don't want him to fix it or tell you what to do, you just want him to listen. I just needed someone to listen this morning.
14 comments:
Thank you for sharing.
thank you for leaving the comments on. I appreciate your honesty.
what a vulnerable place and I admire you so much. What a great mom and what a wonderful family. Teaching them the gospel is the most important thing ( and then love, right?)
you rock!
I am such a spaz, I tried to turn comments off but I don't know how to do it for one post only!! oh well.
I like what you write about parenting. Mine are still little and I like the perspective from someone who is further in the process. Sorry for the comment =)
I was feeling all empathetic and sweet, and then I read your comment and cracked up laughing! Still feeling empathetic, though, as I'm starting to feel the same thing.
I almost called you this morning...now I wish I would have!
I am listening.
Love you Gale.
I'm glad you didn't turn off comments. I would have to e-mail you if you did.
Part of learning how to be a good person is to see your parents as human and flawed. If your children grow up thinking that you really are perfect then they will never be able to feel good about themselves and love themselves in spite of their own flaws. Especially the girls. I had a few friends with "perfect" moms and let me tell you - this didn't do them any favors. Why bother trying when you know that you'll never live up to your mother's example? So much easier to just rebel and make more mistakes than you really should.
I'm sure it's hard to lose that mythical status with your kids (mine are all so little that I'm not there yet), but it's really necessary if you're ever going to have real friendships with them when they are adults.
Now I'm going back to enjoying my babies for as long as I can! I'm not ready for teenagers.
Thanks for all your kind comments. I guess it was meant to be that I couldn't turn off comments. I feel so much less weighed down by my failings today. Isn't that how it always is. A new day a new perspective!!
Sorry I'm so late at commenting! Our daughter has been in and out of the dr's office this week - nothing serious, and she's on the mend now so I can breathe again.
I still remember when I discovered that my parents didn't know it all...and later still when I realized just how vulnerable my mom felt sometimes. I am so glad that I know her good and bad - and I'm sure your girls feel the same way about you. I'm glad you wrote this post because it made me think about times in my life that had receded from recent memory. Now, like Kate, I'm going back to my baby and can't believe she'll one day be a teenager!!!
I think as mothers, we all feel that way! Especially mothers with DAUGHTERS perhaps?! Boys tend to "not notice" things like girls do. My oldest is 16 and she definately knows my shortcomings more than her sisters do, but she knows I am human and can only do anything through Christ!
Thanks for your honesty! Your posts always touch me!
Hi, I'm Melissa's mom. I check in now and then to see if your girls have posted a new song. Your comment really touched me. I could have written it word for word thirty (is that possible?) years ago. It is a heart wrenching time, and it will continue for a long time. Just know that when you come out at the other end of it....it's ok. Your children will be better than you are...but that's a good thing. In fact it's the very thing you work so hard for. In becoming more than you are, they can't help but notice your flaws. But then, you HAVE taught them about forgiveness and kindness and love and you get it all back .....and that is a VERY GOOD THING?
Gale-I agree with one of the previous posts-your children need to see your imperfections, so don't be so hard on yourself. :)
You are human.
...just thinking about you and i agree! chin up and don't be so hard on yourself. and remember...we ALL have these days!
:)
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