What matters most

I have had so many many thoughts these past months about what is important in life.   It is very difficult to sort through the messages that the world gives us about where our value comes from and what we should put our time and effort into.   I have pondered deeply about this as I am raising 5 daughters who will look to me as their example and guide.  I desperately want to get it right.

So this is my thought process.  The world tells me I need to have a good body, dress nicely, have a nice house, pursue money as a means of happiness and have it all together.  I have in my life felt these pressures.  I have looked left and right and compared myself to other women and felt that I was falling short.   I have learned to let go, and in letting go I have found freedom.   I have developed my own process to instantly sort through all the mud and have a clear view of what is of value.   I will share my method
In prayerfully sorting through these messages I suddenly came to this understanding.  We are on this earth for a reason, I have a deep and powerful belief in my Father in Heaven, I know him and I know that he knows me.  In all of my learning of who He is I do know this, in his love for his children on earth, everything that is essential for our joy has been given to ALL men and women.  Not just those in the USA or other developed nations.  The woman living in a hut in Africa has been given access to everything essential for success and joy, the fisherman in a third world country living in poverty and raising his family has been given access to everything he needs.  So what the pressures of the world tell me is essential is a lie.  I now pay close attention to all the pressures around and process it through this filter.....If every human who has lived on this earth has access to it, then I should take notice.   This is what I think of as the foundation of joy.  

Every human has been given the ability to love and be loved.  Each human being has been given access to guidance and understanding from the spirit of our Heavenly Father.  We have each been given family, friends, laughter, the ability to feel joy, dance, breathe and partake of beauty on this earth in many varied forms.    We have the ability to serve others and care for them in their time of need.  We have the ability to create art, music and other creative outlets, including creating human life which is our greatest stuardship.  We have been given our minds to think and expand upon our understanding and we are free to each choose our thoughts and realm of influence.   We have each been given the ability to choose gratitude, joy, positivity, peace, and love.  So whenever something begins to plague my mind or when something seems important and causes me worry or angst I always ask myself...."would this be important to the woman in the rice fields of China?"  If it would not, then I let it go.  I give it up and I refocus on the things that have eternal and universal meaning.

I am trying each day to focus on my sweet daughters and time with them.  laughing, feeling gratitude for the beauty of the earth and the things that surround me.  I am trying to savor time with my dear husband whom I cherish and is my heart and soul.  I don't care if I am a size 6, I don't care if my house is decorated in the latest style, I don't care if I wear the right clothes or carry the right purse.  I have come to personally realize that those things are hollow.

This year Chris and I have put our focus on experiences, not things.  Tomorrow I will post about a wonderful experience we had last week.  We have rubbed shoulders with some amazing people and had a wonderful meaningful experience.

Nineteen

So this April Chris and I will celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary.  It has honestly been nineteen amazing years and I love him more now than I thought possible.  I feel so lucky that my husband is my best friend.  The other day Chloe (who has never been in love) was asking me about my feelings as she wanted to write a song about it.  Here is what she came up with.  This song is so sweet and tender and describes Chris and I in the early years perfectly!!  I am so blessed to have daughters who write music and can express such beautiful things through song.

"Nineteen"  

written by Chloe Bray

My love, my love, my love, my love
We've been through a lot my darling
Now before your eyes get wet and teary
as well as mine, so tired and weary
Just move a little closer near me

And I know our place is kinda small
we can barely pay the rent
So much love and money spent
and all your promises you've kept

Chorus:
And you said "Someday I'll take you over seas,
we'll travel the world, just you and me
we can go anywhere you please"
and I said "now it's my turn to speak,
As a girl I wished and as a girl I dreamed of something
half as good as you and me, and it seems
I make you happy, and you do the same for me
We make each other happy"

Our I love you's have so much meaning
and our first kiss your hands were trembling
but I thought it was kinda charming
and you were nervous to put your arm around me
and I know our place is kind of small
but our love can pay the rent
around you I feel so vulnerable
and I love every moment of it

when you say.....Repeat Chorus

I remember you whispered in my ear
and your words were so sincere
you said "I find happiness with you here"
as you brushed the hair behind my ear
and I know our place is kind of small
We can barely pay the rent
so much love and money spent
and all your promises you kept
the nights you worked, the nights I slept
and worries from my mind you swept
and you'd say.....

The written word

This morning as I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes I was listening to the radio news and they stated that the bookstore "Borders" was filing Chapter 11 and closing 40% of their stores.  They said that Borders and Barnes and Nobel are having trouble competing in a world of Kindles and IPads and are closing stores rapidly.   This news broke my heart.  I LOVE books.  It really is a love affair, and I am not just saying that I love to read, I am saying that I love books.  I love the feel, the look, the smell, the weight, oh just everything about a book I love.   I have always wanted a library in my house.  Chris and I decided years and years ago that we never wanted a TV in our living room because we wanted it to be a place of learning, not passive watching.  I dreamed of having a library with shelves and shelves and a ladder going up high because I wanted to have so many books with shelves that go so high that we would need a ladder to reach them.  I searched high and low for years to find the right shelves.  When we found these shelves 2 years ago they became my pride and joy.  I may not be much of a decorator but when you enter my house you will have no doubt in your mind as to what is important to me.   I love these shelves and the books in them.

These shelves are about 20 ft accross and 10 ft high.  Some shelves are still empty but I will love filling them. (They are a little messy in this picture, but that is because it is not a show peice...we are always using these books. )

1918 edition of Tom Sawyer on the 4th shelf up, I also collect early editions of books.

I love these books because I am a culmination of all of their concepts and philosophies.  They have moved me, changed me and opened my eyes  to an understanding of myself and others.   There will never be a time when you come in my house where you don't find at least 3 books by my bedside as well as Chris's.  We are always reading and then discussing everything we read.  The other day we talked about how it is difficult for us to comprehend how someone would not like to read?  I just can't wrap my head around it because my progression in life is so strongly tied to the books I read.  The funny thing is I don't read that much, I read in the morning as I begin the day for about 45 min, then I read at night at the end of the day for about 1 hour.  I guess you could say that books are the bookends of my day.
It makes me happy that my girls are lovers of books also.  We are always passing the latest great read around my house and sometimes we have to buy 2 copies.  If you look closely in the picture above you will see 3 copies of Hunger Games, ha ha!


So if books one day become an obsolete thing of the past like so many things in this digital age, I will be so sad.  I do have an IPad, and I do read books on my IPad and find it very convenient (especially when I travel) but I still prefer the book in my hands.  Books are a very personal thing but I will leave you will a list (in no particular order) of a few of my favorites.....if you have recommendations of great books you have read please leave me a comment, I would love to know the great reads that have affected you.

The Book of Mormon
The Bible
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
John Adams By David McCullough
1776 by David McCullough
Bonds that Make us Free by Terry Warner
The Disappearance of Childhood by Neil Postman
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas
To Him that Believeth by Fredrick Babel
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin
Living Loving and Learning by Leo Buscaglia
The Giver by Lois Lowry

Oh I will stop because I could go on forever, this is just a tiny list of many many that I adore.   I hope the few of you who read this will post a few of your favorites so I can finish filling my shelves.

Everything has changed

Well, I can honestly say that the past few months have been a whirlwind for me.  I sat thinking tonight about how I am living a much different life now than I was last year at this time.....basically almost everything has changed.
It all began when we got the call that we had a daughter waiting to be picked up in China.   That in itself was a huge change to go from 4 to 5 children and then acclimating to this new little addition to our family but only weeks after bringing her home Chris had issues at work that were extremely negative so he made the  decision to look for a different job.  It was an emotional time as we maneuvered through a major career change as we got to know our new daughter.  Within 5 months of brining Eve home he had quit his job and taken employment with a new company in Colorado.  We have put our house up for sale and are now waiting for it to sell so that we can make the big move to Colorado which means that I am constantly trying to keep the house clean for showings.   The new job is a perfect fit for Chris and he is happy beyond belief but the new job has some travel, more travel than he has ever had.  This is a new thing for me as he has always been very accessible to me and such a great help and support.  Now I am holding down the fort alone for much of the time.

So here are the basics of what has happened in just 9 months
New addition to our family
Job change
Moving
Husband gone more often
Can't blog as much because I am tired (ha ha)

This is the good that has come out of these changes:
1.  Eve is the light and joy of our lives and we can't imagine life without her
2.  Chris finally has a job that he LOVES and he is so happy doing it.
3.  We are moving to Colorado where some of our dear friends live and we are much closer to family

Things that are hard about change:
1.  We are leaving a place that we have lived for 12 years, and leaving all our good friends that we will dearly miss.
2.  Chris is here less.
3.  So much change all at once can be very overwhelming

I am happy and excited about our future.  I know that everything that has happened is part of our path and is right for us.  I just can't wait until everything settles down a little.

Darkness

Her favorite food is grapes!

There are not words in the english language to describe the joy and love that has entered our home since we adopted Eve. It is happiness beyond my pre-adoption comprehension and I am so dearly grateful that I have felt this level of joy now. We are truly blessed. Each of the girls comments to me, almost weekly, that they can't imagine our lives without her and how grateful they are to Chris and I for bringing her home.

In writing about our experience I have tried to be very positive about everything but something happened last night that I want to write about. When we were in China picking up Eve we took the opportunity to visit the foster family that had cared for her for 8 months. I wrote about it here. One thing that I didn't talk about, because it was too painful for me at the time, was that when I went to that home to visit I was told that she was also caring for 4 other babies. When we arrived I saw a home full of adults but no babies so as we looked around the home I asked her if there were any other children she was caring for. She quickly took me to a door that when opened led to a cold cinderblock room that was pitch black (no windows or light at all). She flipped on the light and sitting there, in complete darkness, strapped into chairs were 4 babies, wide awake just silently sitting there staring into the darkness. They didn't cry, react or move as the light was flipped on and we came into the room. Their eyes were hollow and lifeless and I knew that this is how they spent a large portion of their day, in complete darkness. It also told me how she had treated my precious Eve for 8 months. My heart broke and I went to each of those girls and touched each of their faces and tried to give them a moment of love. I realized then why my little 8 month old could not sit up, rollover, hold a toy, and why she would endlessly sit and suck her fingers and hold the other hand up only an inch from her face and stare at it. I am sure this was a ritual of comfort for her as she spent long hours alone, awake, in a dark room with no one to respond to her needs.

That day was a very hard day for me. After the visit the orphanage director took us to a restaurant to eat lunch, I couldn't eat and had to step away to cry because the day had been so upsetting for me. My heart ached that I had to walk away and leave those 4 tiny girls behind with only a prayer for their forever mothers to come quickly. I was deeply sad that I was powerless to change my daughter's first 8 months but I was full of determination to make up for it by loving this little girl beyond her wildest imagining and I have kept that promise. There is no question that she is loved with everything that I can give and it has shown in her drastic growth, contentment and pure joy.

Which brings me to last night. Since the day we got her she has been a very good sleeper. 12-13 hours a night without ever waking up. As time has passed she has had a few instances where she has woken up crying but if I just hold and love her for a min she immediately goes back to sleep. We always have a small night light on so that if she wakes up she in NEVER in total darkness. Well, last night I had to go pick my husband up from the airport at almost 11pm. I left my daughters in charge. At around 11:30 my daughter called very upset "Mom Eve is hysterical and I can' calm her down, I don't know what is wrong I have never seen her like this?" I gave her instructions to do what we always did but she called back minutes later and said "Mom, you don't understand, she is not just crying, she is hysterical!!! I have never seen her like this, please please hurry". I was very worried because this was not like her to get this upset.

I rushed home as fast as I could and ran up to her room. Olivia was holding her as Eve clung to her as if her life depended on it. I went in to Eve's room I noticed something immediately, the room was completely dark. "Olivia, why is there no night light on?" I asked. Olivia told me that she had turned it off when she went to bed. I now know why my Eve was so unconsolable. Since she left that dark room in China I have made sure she is never in complete darkness. When she woke up with no light, I am guessing, but I believe she was flooded with memories and fear. I held her for about 30-40 min with her clinging to me like she has never done before. She held me so so tight and just sobbed and sobbed into my shoulder. I kissed and loved her and tried to reassure her with all my power to do so. I sang to her and Chris and I kissed and loved her until I saw calm return to her sweet eyes. She went back to sleep easily and slept the whole night.

I am so sad for the darkness that she endured for 8 months but I know that I am doing all that I can to now fill her world with light. This is what brings happiness, this is what brings joy, this is what life is about.

Actually I think her favorite food is chocolate!!