Everything has changed

Well, I can honestly say that the past few months have been a whirlwind for me.  I sat thinking tonight about how I am living a much different life now than I was last year at this time.....basically almost everything has changed.
It all began when we got the call that we had a daughter waiting to be picked up in China.   That in itself was a huge change to go from 4 to 5 children and then acclimating to this new little addition to our family but only weeks after bringing her home Chris had issues at work that were extremely negative so he made the  decision to look for a different job.  It was an emotional time as we maneuvered through a major career change as we got to know our new daughter.  Within 5 months of brining Eve home he had quit his job and taken employment with a new company in Colorado.  We have put our house up for sale and are now waiting for it to sell so that we can make the big move to Colorado which means that I am constantly trying to keep the house clean for showings.   The new job is a perfect fit for Chris and he is happy beyond belief but the new job has some travel, more travel than he has ever had.  This is a new thing for me as he has always been very accessible to me and such a great help and support.  Now I am holding down the fort alone for much of the time.

So here are the basics of what has happened in just 9 months
New addition to our family
Job change
Moving
Husband gone more often
Can't blog as much because I am tired (ha ha)

This is the good that has come out of these changes:
1.  Eve is the light and joy of our lives and we can't imagine life without her
2.  Chris finally has a job that he LOVES and he is so happy doing it.
3.  We are moving to Colorado where some of our dear friends live and we are much closer to family

Things that are hard about change:
1.  We are leaving a place that we have lived for 12 years, and leaving all our good friends that we will dearly miss.
2.  Chris is here less.
3.  So much change all at once can be very overwhelming

I am happy and excited about our future.  I know that everything that has happened is part of our path and is right for us.  I just can't wait until everything settles down a little.

Darkness

Her favorite food is grapes!

There are not words in the english language to describe the joy and love that has entered our home since we adopted Eve. It is happiness beyond my pre-adoption comprehension and I am so dearly grateful that I have felt this level of joy now. We are truly blessed. Each of the girls comments to me, almost weekly, that they can't imagine our lives without her and how grateful they are to Chris and I for bringing her home.

In writing about our experience I have tried to be very positive about everything but something happened last night that I want to write about. When we were in China picking up Eve we took the opportunity to visit the foster family that had cared for her for 8 months. I wrote about it here. One thing that I didn't talk about, because it was too painful for me at the time, was that when I went to that home to visit I was told that she was also caring for 4 other babies. When we arrived I saw a home full of adults but no babies so as we looked around the home I asked her if there were any other children she was caring for. She quickly took me to a door that when opened led to a cold cinderblock room that was pitch black (no windows or light at all). She flipped on the light and sitting there, in complete darkness, strapped into chairs were 4 babies, wide awake just silently sitting there staring into the darkness. They didn't cry, react or move as the light was flipped on and we came into the room. Their eyes were hollow and lifeless and I knew that this is how they spent a large portion of their day, in complete darkness. It also told me how she had treated my precious Eve for 8 months. My heart broke and I went to each of those girls and touched each of their faces and tried to give them a moment of love. I realized then why my little 8 month old could not sit up, rollover, hold a toy, and why she would endlessly sit and suck her fingers and hold the other hand up only an inch from her face and stare at it. I am sure this was a ritual of comfort for her as she spent long hours alone, awake, in a dark room with no one to respond to her needs.

That day was a very hard day for me. After the visit the orphanage director took us to a restaurant to eat lunch, I couldn't eat and had to step away to cry because the day had been so upsetting for me. My heart ached that I had to walk away and leave those 4 tiny girls behind with only a prayer for their forever mothers to come quickly. I was deeply sad that I was powerless to change my daughter's first 8 months but I was full of determination to make up for it by loving this little girl beyond her wildest imagining and I have kept that promise. There is no question that she is loved with everything that I can give and it has shown in her drastic growth, contentment and pure joy.

Which brings me to last night. Since the day we got her she has been a very good sleeper. 12-13 hours a night without ever waking up. As time has passed she has had a few instances where she has woken up crying but if I just hold and love her for a min she immediately goes back to sleep. We always have a small night light on so that if she wakes up she in NEVER in total darkness. Well, last night I had to go pick my husband up from the airport at almost 11pm. I left my daughters in charge. At around 11:30 my daughter called very upset "Mom Eve is hysterical and I can' calm her down, I don't know what is wrong I have never seen her like this?" I gave her instructions to do what we always did but she called back minutes later and said "Mom, you don't understand, she is not just crying, she is hysterical!!! I have never seen her like this, please please hurry". I was very worried because this was not like her to get this upset.

I rushed home as fast as I could and ran up to her room. Olivia was holding her as Eve clung to her as if her life depended on it. I went in to Eve's room I noticed something immediately, the room was completely dark. "Olivia, why is there no night light on?" I asked. Olivia told me that she had turned it off when she went to bed. I now know why my Eve was so unconsolable. Since she left that dark room in China I have made sure she is never in complete darkness. When she woke up with no light, I am guessing, but I believe she was flooded with memories and fear. I held her for about 30-40 min with her clinging to me like she has never done before. She held me so so tight and just sobbed and sobbed into my shoulder. I kissed and loved her and tried to reassure her with all my power to do so. I sang to her and Chris and I kissed and loved her until I saw calm return to her sweet eyes. She went back to sleep easily and slept the whole night.

I am so sad for the darkness that she endured for 8 months but I know that I am doing all that I can to now fill her world with light. This is what brings happiness, this is what brings joy, this is what life is about.

Actually I think her favorite food is chocolate!!