Reality Check

Last night as I was wrapping up the day there was a quiet moment when Chloe said "Mom, can I ask you a question?" There was a cadence to her tone that indicated something serious. "Sure" I said. "Do you feel stressed when Daddy is gone?" she asked. That was an easy one, "Yes, I replied, a little bit......when he is gone it is a little more work, Why?" The reply was a mini bombshell, "Because you just don't seem really happy, are you happy?" I'm absolutely happy....deliriously happy.....deeply happy, I replied slightly defensive, I am so surprised you would say that. Why would you say that?" "You just don't seem happy lately Mom" "What do you mean by lately" I asked. Then another bombshell...."Well, the past while....few weeks, month or so." Again I said slightly defensively "Well Chloe you don't have a very good read on me because I am so so, happy I can hardly stand it happy, super duper incandescently happy (I had to throw in a bit of Pride and Prejudice) happy happy happy." She just shrugged with a slightly disbelieving look and walked away. I was incensed....what in heavens name was she talking about.

I have done some self reflecting since that conversation and her question combined with the fact that someone I love and respect called me about a week ago and out of the blue asked me if she had offended me in some way......again I was completely shocked.....why in heavens name would she think that? She said I had been acting colder and more distant. Well, It was time for me to figure out why those around me are feeling shut out. It is strange in light of the fact that I have felt more joy of late than almost any other time in my life. So what kind of vibe am I giving off to others???? I have thought about this and I tend to be a deep thinker. I have thought through every angle of life and what I am not sure about I read to find out. I philosophize everything. I feel bad for my sisters because lately every time I call them we end up talking for an hour on the most thought provoking serious subjects (they are a lot like me). I love it, but when I am in a time like this where I am always fathoms deep because there is so much that Chris and I are doing and figuring out, I realize that I am more somber than I realize. I feel so happy but no one around me can see it because I am deep in thought all the time.

So today I am making a conscious decision to smile and laugh. I have thought enough, there is so much going on in my head but I need to relax and just laugh and make sure that the Mom my kids remember is laughing, happy, and having fun. I appreciate and love Chloe for asking the question. It was a reality check that I needed.