Turning 40!!

I must say reiterate, this is my journal so this post is really for my girls to read one day.....if you are not interested in my birthday indulgence please stop reading right here.

I AM 40!!

I remember when I was about 9 or 10 thinking..."wow one day I will be 20, I can't believe I will actually be 20 one day". It seemed like such a huge number and I was fascinated to think I would one day reach that huge milestone. Well, I doubled it today and I will say this, if I had known at 10 how great 40 was going to be I would have wanted to get there as fast as I could. Here is my synopsis on age:

Teenage years: Just a mess, get through it as fast as you can and then begin your life. I was so lost in so many ways yet, I was grounded in the gospel....thank heaven for that. I thank great parents who gave me a solid foundation in the church so I didn't flounder in other areas of my life and make the mistakes I saw my friends making. I had that one secure life line to hold on to that gave me direction. All else is just confusing.

Late teens/collage age: This is the "who am I?" Stage. I had a vision of who I wanted to be and I was on a crazy pursuit to fill myself up with all the experiences and living that would make me whole. "What is my purpose, who will I be, who will I marry and where am I headed?" were all that absorbed my thoughts. My mission set me on an important course....the greatest decision I made up until that point. p.s No, I don't wear glasses, I have no idea why I am wearing them int his picture??

20's/marriage and family life: This is the "Am I measuring up, as good as everyone else, as accomplished as everyone else, as good a mother as my friends, have as much money or nice a house as everyone else?" stage. I was embarking on life and used others as my barometer as to how I was doing. These were very happy years but spent too much time looking outside myself for confirmation as to how I was doing. It was wasted energy.

****I must say this......that marrying Chris Bray was the absolute best decision I ever made.

30's This is the "I could care less what everyone else is doing I am on my own journey" stage. I loved my 30's. I became centered in who I am and what my own purpose in life is. Chris and I have been on a wonderful journey together this past 10 years that has been such a joy. There was no time to worry about what everyone else was doing. I was just focused on my amazing growing family and trying to become a better person, wife and mother. The lessons learned and peace I feel about the past 10 years is a happy memory. Lots of growth, Great friendships, successes and many failures mark the past decade and I am ready to see what the next decade will bring for our family.

40's. Looking at where my life is going I would say this is the "Now forget yourself and see what mark you can leave on the world" stage. I just feel in my soul that this is the best stage to be embarking on. I hope my girls get to this stage much sooner than I did!! So much has changed the past few years. I no longer put much stock in anything material. Does that mean I don't like material things....no, I love beautiful homes and new iPods as much as anyone but it is no longer important to me. I LOVE experiences and people. I want a bigger/smaller life......Bigger in experiences and people that I love, and smaller in material things. I hope to fill the next 10 years with lots of great amazing experiences that may often be hard but will stretch my capacity to do, know, serve and achieve. I want to be good. I am grateful that I have a husband and partner who has the same desires and even though he is 2 years younger than me...he can begin the the 40's pursuit also. I am so excited!!

Girls, please remember this, The center and foundation of all this joy and living has been my belief in, and testimony of, the gospel. I am so happy that I can look back on 40 years and know that despite all my struggles and trials I have felt joy deeper than can be imagined and it is not because I had a nice house, a cute outfit, a great car or any worldly acclaim. It was purely and simply my knowledge of the Savior and my deep love for him. This testimony of him has given me a knowledge of who I am and that I have a purpose on this earth that is vital to our Heavenly Fathers plan. I hope that as your mother I have given this same gift to you.

I also hope I am around when you turn 40 and can baby sit my cute grandchildren while you go out and have a good time!!