An Unexpected Source

It has been a difficult 4 days. There are just times in our lives where our weaknesses and struggles seem more pronounced and frustrating. The past days have been that way for me. Lots of hours of self-reflection and prayer as I have earnestly sought to figure out why I continue to struggle with things that should be so far gone after 40 years of living. I know that my weaknesses can become my strengths but right now, they just seem like weaknesses. So as I have been miles deep in thought about my personal growth I get a little sweetness from Elle. I need to go back to explain.

About 6 years ago I had an idea one day (for those of you who know me you know I ALWAYS get ideas....a strength maybe??) Well, I was thinking about how as my girls grow and my house is full of busy living I may not be able to devote the same amount of time to individual communication as I was able to with only the 2 little ones so I felt I needed to find a way to keep those communication lines open. A light bulb went off and I headed straight for Barnes and Noble. I went to the journal isle and perused all the beautiful writing books. There were leather bound, Chinese silk, raw homemade paper with neat closures and all kinds of accouterments. They have some really beautiful books there.

Well, I chose 2 of the most beautiful ones I could find that reflected the personalities of Chloe and Olivia. I went home and that afternoon I began a tradition that has been one of the greatest ideas I ever had. I wrote in the front of that journal to each of the girls and told them that this was our special book to write back and forth to each other...."there may be nights when I am busy and I won"t have time to talk...write everything here and I will always respond". I put the book on their pillows without a verbal explanation (with a beautiful pen of course) and I still remember that night 6 years ago as they went up to their rooms and found their books. Chloe came back down clutching the pink flowered Chinese silk book with a tender look on her face. "Mom, this is just so special" she said and quickly ran up to write back to me.

Nothing is ever said, I just find the book by my pillow and read their sweet sentiments, sadness's, joys and feelings, then I respond and set it on their pillow. We don't write every day. Sometimes it will be days, or weeks before the book lands on my pillow again. We have had long periods of sabbatical and then suddenly the faucet seems to flow never ending just based on what they are going through. I know that one day they will treasure these books with all their hearts because it has journaled, not only their life, but my love and advice as they have weathered it. (When Olivia first began she was too young to write so she I and would draw funny, sweet pictures back and forth to each other.)

Well, as I was having these difficult few days I went into my room and there by my bed was little Elle's book. As I began to read there were some cute funny things as she asked me "Mom, Why dus your hair go so crasy in the morning?"(her exact spelling) Then she said, and I will write verbatim because I just loved it. "Mom, I am waching you. Do you know who you are? Do you like yourself? Right when I read those last 2 lines I started to cry....Here my 6 year old was, without having any idea what my personal thoughts and struggles were, asking 2 very deep questions to me that helped me come back to myself. I do know who I am and I do really like myself and she is always watching me. It is OK to have personal struggles and I want my girls to know that you can have hardships and still know who you are, and still really like yourself. Her unexpected words were a powerful catalyst for me. I feel so glad that I can be a mother and help guide their lives. I am doing just fine and I hope that one day I won't be weighed down by my shortcomings.....until then....I will keep liking myself.

Off to bed, I have 2 books to write in tonight!!